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Sponsored by the Grand Old Party of No
Theme: More Power To Us!
Location: Grand Ballroom of a six star beachfront hotel in South Carolina
Karl Rove:
Ladies and Gentlemen, before we offer thanks to the Lord, let us offer thanks to the many fine corporate sponsors that make it possible to enjoy these beautiful air conditioned surroundings in front of a huge roaring fire and with open air exposure to the beautiful beach front. We couldn't do it without you!
The opening prayer will be offered by Dr. James Dobson.
Dr. Dobson:
Let us praise God. Oh Lord, oooh you are so big. So absolutely huge. Gosh, we're all really impressed down here I can tell you. Forgive us, O Lord, for this dreadful toadying and barefaced flattery. But you are so strong and, well, just so super fantastic. Amen.
Individual members compete in voicing the most public and attention grabbing "Amen".
Karl Rove:
Thank you Dr. Dobson. I'm certain that all of us here have the most reverential agreement with those sentiments, especially if consequences are restricted to the next life and not this one.
We'll take a brief break while you refresh your cocktails, fine aged whiskey, or whatever you're drinking. Please pick up our latest brochure on fighting the War on Drugs during the break. Now that the socialist, cowardly Obama has withdrawn from Iraq and is refusing to jump into a new war, our military-industrial members may be depending on the War on Drugs for new contracts.
Meeting Adjourned for ten minutes.
Our first invited guest is Rupert Murdoch who will speak on the subject, "Bread and Circuses: Rome and America Today". As you know, Mr. Murdoch's entertainment empire is dragging in a tidal wave of money posing as a news organization. That alone qualifies him as a leader, even in this distinguished group. The slogan of his flagship entertainment organization, Fox News - Fair and Balanced, should confirm for you one of our foundation principals: "If you tell a lie often enough, people will believe it."
Before turning the time over to Mr. Murdoch, let me congratulate him on celebrating his 81st birthday recently. Mr. Murdoch will be wheeled in by his beautiful Chinese trophy wife, Wendi Deng Murdoch. Wendi is Rupert's third wife and is only two years more than half his age. Word has it that Wendi works really hard at giving Rupert a heart attack, if you know what I mean. Meh, meh!
Mr. Murdoch's remarks redacted in view of pending investigations in England.
Karl Rove:
Thank you for those insightful comments, Rupert. I'm sure that all of us here will be more than careful to make sure that we never say what we really mean in any communcation that could possibly be intercepted and end up on one of your "news" programs. As you noted, Governor Romney has set a great example by actually grabbing all of the computers and hard drives from his term in office in Massachusetts. Control over what people are allowed to know is another foundation principal that we all follow.
Our next speaker, Newt Gingrich, is a living example of the other side of Mr. Murdoch's subject and shows that, even if your real life is somehow laid bare for the public, you can always lie your way back to the top if you lie long enough and with real conviction. As a professional historian - the public/private mortgage company Freddie Mac paid him $300,000 for his historical perspective, but not, let me repeat, not as a lobbyist, Mr. Gingrich knows better than anyone that, "History is written by whoever wins." So here's to winning at any cost.
Like Rupert, Newt is also working on his third wife who is a fraction of his age and a stunning trophy she is! Newt believes deeply in the capitalist principal of payment for services received and the word here is that she is worth every cent of the half a million he owes Tiffany's. Meh, meh!
Mr. Gingrich's remarks redacted in view of pending political campaigning.
Karl Rove:
I'd like to offer congratulations for all of us here to Newt for this stimulating account demonstrating that being fined by Congress for ethical violations is no obstacle to running for President. Neither is deserting your hospitalized wife for someone younger. Just ask John McCain about that!
In the interest of a more successful partnership between business and the Grand Old Party of No, the organizing committee has asked me to cover some of the principals that has made us all so successful, or failing that, so obscenely wealthy. At the top of the list is what I like to call, the duality of wealth and power.
- Wealth IS power!
- Power IS wealth!
And if it's not that way for you, then you're doing it wrong.
This convention is all about winning, however, so here are some of the things that we, the 1%, are doing to win.
First, destroy any sense of security. Secure people think about things. Desperate people just react. Any thought deeper than a rain puddle is not good for our goals. And, by the way, thanks to our oil business members, there are fewer and fewer rain puddles these days which is a good start in destroying security. With tornados, drought, and now even earthquakes caused by oil company fracking, the heartland of America is suffering more than any other region in America. It's also one of our most secure bases of power. How much more proof do you need?
Second, destroy any attachments to a community. We were on the ropes on this one until recently when our banking members found a way to both enrich themselves and remove home ownership from literally millions with the very same master stroke. When Hillary Clinton wrote her book, "It Takes a Village ..." we had to act fast to convince people that it was really a socialist conspiracy to take away their freedoms. And the Clintons should also be a warning to people about the risk of staying married to the same woman or marrying an independent woman. Our two featured speakers stand as shining examples of how to keep a wife in her place.
Third, destroy any pride of work and accomplishment. Busting unions is a good start because they bring together people who do the same work without a football game to distract them. But making it easy for corporations to force people to constantly find new work in new places keeps them from developing real skills and also supports the first two goals at the same time. Our political and banking members have done a good job of removing any support for public education too. Thanks to them, we're almost back to the grand era where only the wealthy could afford to be educated. And where we haven't been able to eliminate public education, we have at least made it worthless by inserting artifical requirements.
Remember, Only wealth is powerful. People should never be powerful.
Contribution envelopes to approved political action committees can be found throughout the room. Remember, we'll be keeping track. If you want your back scratched anytime soon, now is the time to scratch ours.
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Credit to Michael Palin (the good Palin) and Monty Python for the opening prayer.
